So, I’m looking at how many Fridays there are left in the year, and I’ve noticed that there are 4 more left, including today. This year went by incredibly fast again, and I feel like a completely different person with the same habits. Now, these habits stick out more than ever to me. The feeling is almost indescribable, but I can leave you with this; It feels like I’m at the point of my life where I’m aging out of older habits and I’m deciding if I want to keep them around for comfort, or if I should find new habits. I’m thankful for my family and friends who encourage me to be a better person for them, as well as for myself. It’s been challenging trying to stay positive during week moments; trying not to get frazzled as I usually do which compels me to act and speak without thinking. I’m thankful that I’ve taken the time to allow myself to learn about new ways to ground myself during times where I experience high levels of anxiety and bottled-up emotions/ stress. What really helped me was changing my internal dialogue to myself. Instead of “You should have done this yesterday, now you’re failing to commit to your deadlines and you not are the competitive, strategic, and highly motivated person that you think you are” I’ve used this type of dialogue instead: “I understand that due to the time restraints, I will not be able to complete this task to the best of my abilities, but I am capable enough to do so with a little bit more discipline and efficiency. How can I be more disciplined/ efficient?” Introducing more logical thinking to my highly emotionally fueled arguments with myself has been what I’ll be focusing on in the next year.
I’m starting two new jobs this month. Literally, while I was writing this, I got hired for a third part-time job… I’m saving up for something special. Let’s keep it a surprise to the world, but for you all reading this, I can tell you. I am saving up to hire a professional mix engineer with a commercial sound/ big portfolio to mix (maybe even produce) the songs I have been writing recently. I want to come out with a debut studio album with a strategic marketing plan by next summer . This is merely just a goal, but it’s been on my mind for a couple of months now.
Something else I’m focusing on is taking care of my things. Here’s my mental process:
- Declutter
- Reorganize
- TLC
Declutter
I’ve been going through these two big plastic bins I own. Inside are all my sentimental things, so I’ve been taking the time to go through them and see if there’s still meaning associated with these things, or if I’m just hoarding receipts. Inside my closet, there are too many gray and black stripped things… but I’m keeping them all.
Reorganize
I have a shelf in the room which holds the things that make me happy. I have been adding some new books to this shelf, as well putting some of the eye sores in my room to rest. I really want to be a cleaner person. I have this terrible habit where I sort all similar items into little piles throughout my room, but I do not give myself the time to give these little items a home in a safe and organized storage bin.
TLC
Today my plant Andy “Thussy ” Warhol (named after my favorite meme account admin in the world, who happens to be my friend in Ohio), turned one year old today! Last year, my mom took me to a Meijer to buy him for my birthweek last year. Today, I noticed that the yellow on his leaves was getting worse! So, I took him to a plant nursery in hopes to prevent it from spreading… the good news is that he will be ok. He needs to be re-potted, and I’ve refined his watering/ care routine.
I want to learn how to take care of myself, my loved ones, and my things. I’m going to be honest with you, I feel like that’s something I don’t know how to do yet. The fun part is figuring it out. It’s all about love and compassion. I’ve been putting in the work to fight some inner demons to allow that light to absorb in my heart. I am so happy to say this, but I do believe in God. I believe I can allow light forces to enter my heart, and I can be a vessel for love. This is truly my greater purpose in life, to be able to spread love. I want to be able to do this. It’s a process, coming from a lifetime of oblivion from the dark/ evil forces inside of me. I’ve accepted that these darker forces act for me, speak for me, think for me, and will continue to do so if I don’t learn where they came from and what they want.
Music is my medium. I’ve sung about masochism, demons, killing, greed, envy, misfortune… the most descriptive and grimiest type of lyricism. I think it is important to be able to share darker themes with an audience so we can all have an outlet for our demons. Humans can be violent creatures; we need to be able to understand why. We need to be able to provide a space for those struggling we demons to be accepted. That’s honestly what I’ve always believed when I’ve expressed my music with you. Thank you for reading this, thank you for taking the time to listen to my art and share it with the people you love. There’s duality in all humans, but there isn’t compassion in all actions. Understanding doesn’t exist in all thoughts. These things we must learn; I must learn them too.
