There’s nothing I’d rather do on a Saturday night than to support a local book store. I was invited to go out and everything too, but I have been pretty anxious these past few days because of self imposed stress. I don’t really like going to raves unless its to see a friend perform. I am beginning to sound a lot like a boomer these days. I have to remind myself sometimes when you’re this age, going to school, and figuring things out and everything that its ok to have your opinions and interests change. I have to give myself the patience to figure out what I truly value. So, I told myself I wasn’t going to spend any money on a Saturday night, until I got an impulse to walk into this book store near my place. The thing I like about independent bookstores, the small businesses that is, is that there will always be an interesting character working the shop.
This time, I met a woman working at the front desk. She was really cool; she gave me a list of recommendations. She asked me what I was interested in reading, and I told her this really vague response. I don’t know why I expect people to understand me when I give answers like “I’m searching for something”. Everybody’s searching for something. I elaborated more. I said that after reading the Catcher in the Rye, I related to it from the perspective of someone I was a couple of years ago. It was almost like a slap in the face. I was truly someone who found every excuse not to like something the way it was. Perhaps I was just being avoidant, or I wasn’t ready for the things I pushed away. I didn’t understand the value of people, objects or myself. That’s just growth, when you’re able to admit that. I think that’s why my music was always so sad.
I remember the moment when a friend of mine finally understood why my music was always so sad.
This one time, he had been contemplating something, then out of nowhere he admitted that he realized that my music has been my release for all these years. At the time, I thought to myself that it was obvious, but now I realize that it isn’t so obvious. I’m sure people question why my music is so bizarre and grotesque. I’m finding it harder and harder to justify why my music is like this. I started writing about the meaning behind these stories in my lyricism, too. Maybe one day I’ll share it with you.
Honestly, sometimes my music plagues me. I feel like releasing those negative songs into the world does a lot of harm. I like to think that it also does good, though. Maybe someone can relate to my music and understand that they are not alone in this. Going forward, I’d like to shift the focus of my music on emotions that are still true to my heart, but adhere more to hope than to despair. A lot of my lyrics are fictional. I don’t truly relate to them. I have been playing a persona in my songs, which is fun to do, but because of this I needed a way to reach the world and show you all what my true intentions are. That’s honestly why I started writing these long blogs. I used to only send out short blogs, but now, they have transpired into something more. I can finally be a writer.
So, I walked into this book store with everything on my mind on a Saturday night. The lady recommends me three books, and the one that interested me the most was “Fates and Furies” by Lauren Groff. She started to tell me about this book… she started with something along the lines of this; most books written about marriages are about abuse, either mentally, physically or emotionally. Of course, neither person truly wants to hurt the other, which adds to the complexity of the situation. This book is about a marriage that is both passionate in terms of abuse and also productivity, as each person is able to grow. I related to this because its Satan’s world that we live in. We find ourselves I situations where we abuse or get abused, but then we are able to grow. It takes a lot to admit that we are wrong. Once we admit to that and forgive ourselves, then aspire to be better, that’s where the growth begins. My friend Angel explained to me the Process of Sanctification. It begins when you first start believing in Christ, and only ends when you step out of this process. You must understand that every day, you will fumble and God will pick you up. You can walk closer and closer to the light, and fall every step of the way, but as long as you are admitting to yourself that you will always fall and that you will always walk towards the light despite of this, you will continue on the path to Sanctification. That’s all we can do, is try and try each day. It is so worth it; to finally surround myself with love that is. Everyone has their own story of how they found God again, every path is valid.
She told me to go downstairs to the fiction section and look around. She said that perhaps I would find something else that intrigues’ me. As I start to look for this book she recommended me, I came across the familiar pale purple cover of “Dream Boy” by Jim Grimsley. I marveled at this discovery because this was the first time I had found this author in a book store after years of searching. Jim Grimsley is a niche author that really impacted me going into high school. I had begun to write my own music in 8th grade, then when I read “Dream Boy”, I began to imagine a new world in my lyrics. This author is able to capture the feeling I have in my dreams sometimes. I remembered what the lady at the front desk told me about how I might find something that intrigued me. If she hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t have been looking.
Sitting next to Dream Boy on the shelf, I picked up “My Drowning” by Jim Grimsley. As I am looking for grad schools, I am comparing music markets in the north and in the south. “My Drowning” takes place in the south, and “Fates and Furies” takes place in the north. I guess this will give me more insight on where I’m meant to go.
Anyway, that was my Saturday. I was helping move my friend Taylor move to a new apartment this Thursday. I got picked up at 12PM LOL. A group and I were moving Taylor from 12PM to 6AM. That was the first time I had ever moved someone in the late hours of the early morning. I am still adjusting to this new sleep schedule now. Its 3AM on a Friday. HAPPY FRIDAY!!!! I send this newsletter out later today. I would like to thank you all again for all the comments, it truly means the WORLD to me. It makes me feel so good knowing that you all are here. Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs and consume my art. Anyway, after we helped Taylor move and everything, we went out to this restaurant called Diner Grill. This was one of the moments I wish I brought my camera. I did bring my flip phone, but the camera is absolutely horrible. GUYS MY FLIPPHONE JUST AIRDROPPED TO MY GODDAMN COMPUTER. In some ways. This flip phone is more powerful than my old iPhone. One time, I tried to connect to wifi and accidentally found everyone’s IP address in the room. Everyone asks me if this is a burner phone, and then they laugh when I say it’s my real phone. This is one of the coolest things I’ve ever owned. Guys… I just attached the picture I took from Diner Grill… I take it back. The camera is amazing.
Imagine that you’ve been helping someone move for hours. Imagine how hungry you would be, matter of fact… Imagine that everyone’s hungry. Now imagine the iHop that says their open for 24 hours…. Get a clear mental image of that iHop…. Yeah. Now imagine you pull up to that iHop just to see that they are CLOSED. I denied that they were closed, I knew they were just hiding. In fact, one of the guys in our group went up to the iHop window and tried to bribe them $40 to open the door. They said no. What good is $40 to them if they would have to open their entire store, brew another pot of coffee, then clean up?? I can imagine they didn’t want to open for the day just yet.
Finally, someone finds Diner Grill on Google Maps. They read through the reviews even. I absolutely love leaving good reviews on Google. I don’t like making bad reviews on Google. When we got to the Diner Grill, we were greeted with a great staff of two hard working people behind a diner stile bar with a stainless-steel grill. In my head, this all made sense to e een more… it truly was a Diner Grill. They were playing some fire music, too. I had a friend Shazam me one of the songs. Here is the YouTube video for it, I highly recommend listening. I really enjoy this song. I asked the workers if they put this music on themselves, they said they did chose it. I told them that Diner Grill was a hidden gem. If you looked at the walls, you’d see these certificates that customers earned after eating their famous “Slinger”. Whatever that is…. Anyway, if you’re ever in Chicago, I strongly encourage you to go to Diner Grill. Let me tell you, it was the best and freshest food I’ve had on a while. The bill amounted to $85 for 6 people!! Places like this blow my mind, it truly is a gem. I asked him if a lot of people told him that, he said they did. It’s a really clean place too, I mean the place is spotless. I’m so thankful I found out about the band Sur 16. It’s now my favorite band this month. The song is called Beautiful Memories in English. I did make beautiful memories at Diner Grill.
Watch the vlog for more information. This picture is really important to me.
Heres another flip phone moment. I was waiting at a bus stop watching these three birds eating a McDonald’s breakfast burrito off the ground. Now, the ladies next to me and I were noticing that each of these birds had different personalities. The brown bird was mean, he was a total brute. He also did not care if the other birds didn’t eat or not, he was also the fattest. This other dark gray bird was literally just neutral, like a robot. He didn’t really care. He just went about his day pecking at the burrito, I mean his body language signifies that he has some sort of superiority complex over the other birds, the way he just stands on this burrito. Finally, the bird we were all rooting for. The light gray Pidgeon. Now, this Pidgeon was scared. He was all anxious and everything… so nervous to peck. He was being chased away by the ugly brown bird. So, the ladies next to me started to get really sad about this. One of the ladies started chasing the brown bird away, but it wouldn’t budge! We accidently just ended up chasing the light gray bird away. I learned that we humans should not interfere with nature.
