You’re Not Here- 03/31/24

The most hurtful thing to say to someone is ‘you’re not here’.

Big city, small town is where I’m from where everyone is watching you from the corner of their eye. Now, I enter a part of my life where even more people are watching deliberately and are unapologetic. That’s how the real world has always been – it will never change.

The town I go back to

Let me steal an idea from my boyfriend – Music is a tier system. You advance to a certain level and you cannot go back. Once you level up, your opportunities start to open up and certain people are going to treat you a specific way. Of course, I know my place and I acknowledge that my music has been successful. But can I say that I do not want to be treated like anything other than a person? I don’t want people to assume that I am not going to notice them just because they listen to my music and don’t have an adjacent brand. I just want to connect with people on the ground, never will I be in the sky unless that is where I need to be to accomplish a task.

The room I left behind

I don’t like to dance the dance, but I am learning that sometimes I will have to in order to save my own ass. Or I could be completely transparent and see where that takes me. It’s all in God’s hands, I often find myself emotional and paranoid, but I have to have blind faith and just free fall.

I am good at talking about myself, I hope that someone can understand these words. To be completely honest, I am very lost, just rolling with the punches. It may seem like I have my shit together, and in some instances I do. At the end of the day, I can sit with myself in peace but I still feel so lost.

It’s not that my life isn’t fulfilling, I just don’t know anything about my past because a lot was hidden from me if you know what I mean. I am still discovering myself. I really don’t care who sees this, at some lengths I get extremely desperate. I was sitting on the Amtrak to Detroit and was overthinking until God decided to give me someone to sit next to. They asked me if it was cool if they could share the seat, and I said ‘of course’ immediately and started conversation. They happened to live down the block from me in the same neighborhood in Chicago and they were also getting off at the same stop as me. It was from God, I do think I will see them again.

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to like that to get myself out of my head. It’s selfish. I spend a lot of time on the phone getting to know people. I can’t escape my thoughts at times. I can’t focus unless I am doing something that requires a lot of energy.

God is the only thing that makes me feel like myself. Otherwise, I feel like I am preforming a balancing act trying to please everyone because I don’t want to face myself. I am deliberately trying to get myself into a sufficient spot in this economy, so I am trying not to take risks but sometimes I do and say dumb things and act out. I’ve always been like this, I have a lot of pride.

That’s why I say that the only reason I got this far is because of God. I pray daily, sometimes hourly. I am still floating through this world taking it all in. I am enjoying myself, but I question a lot of things.

Here are my intentions with oversharing things like this – I want to make things transparent and I know specific people are watching me. This is my heart, this is my soul, this is my life. A musician’s weakness is their own music – you can’t hide anything when you make music unless someone else is making it for you. Listen to my craft, hear my voice, I am pleading. I just want to fit in somewhere and God is giving that to me. Thank you for helping me be apart of that, I know you know what I mean.

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