I know it’s been a while, and I haven’t been keeping up with weekly blogs. To be honest, I’m sort of tired of putting my personal life out there to the world. I am just going to do it anyway because for some reason, it makes me feel better about my stress. I just need to dumb it down extremely and make everything vague.
I’ve been conflicted on what to do now that I am out of school. I got myself a fulltime job just like I wanted. I got saved up money to buy property, but the truth in all of it is that I have no idea where I want to be literally and figuratively.
I always thought that by moving around the world, I could find what I was looking for. When I go back to the short stories I used to write as a kid, it always involves the theme of leaving and running away. I wish I had the story with me now, but I found something that I wrote in middle school in 2015.
The story involves two 21-year-olds. It flashes back to the moment the two split apart, back when they were 13. The guy wanted to run away, so he had scheduled a taxi, and the girl gave him a personal possession to take with him, her guitar. The scene then flashes to what it’s like when they grew up and it oddly resembles my life now.
It freaked me out reading that. and I was reading it like WHY LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. How did I predict all of this?
The ending of the story was the girl returning to the guy and patiently waiting for him to open the door.
I feel like this resembles me entirely. Patience is the best thing when it comes to people… No matter the fear or the anxiety which propels us to do crazy, impulsive, things… just gotta be patient.
I don’t know my path, that only God knows. It pains to think about it, I get so much anxiety fearing the things I am missing out on. But honestly, I have no idea what I am missing out on. That’s why I thought I should find it. This feeling is maybe just angsty and anxiety. A part of me doesn’t want to brush it off, but the more logical side of me is going “what the hell”.
I hope anyone who reads this can understand. That’s the purpose of doing this, to find understanding. Only God can understand, but sometimes it’s nice to send these words out into the world and let it live online.
Sometimes the worst parts of me wants to ruin everything I built, and it wants to start new. This is stupid. It’s stupid to call it stupid. I am very confused, excited, scared, happy, and THANKFUL.
I went back to my hometown again and I realized even more things about myself. I stayed in a Hotel on the way back which was a nice break from life. Now I am back to my real life and I am thankful for these things. I could still be back where I started.
I could still be doing the same things; I still could be the person I used to be. All of that depresses me and I want to run from it. I am not that person anymore. Ever since I left my hometown, I have changed just like everyone typically does.
I tell the people where I live now, and they act like I just pulled a rabbit out a hat. It is difficult to keep starting again and again.
The only way I can describe what I want is by describing who I am. I am a city girl with a small-town mentality. I like my routine, but I need to routine to change frequently and quickly. I can’t be in the same place for too long or I’ll go crazy. THAT is the beauty of having three parents who all are entirely different from each other.
It’s ok to be lost, it’s not ok to be impulsive.
I will describe myself by TLC’s album; Crazy, sexy, cool. Gotta remind myself not to go chasing waterfalls.
Anyway, new music in a 23 couple of days.
