Before Coffee Blog- 07/07/24

I wrote this before my coffee…

It makes me sad to see that I haven’t really been writing too many blogs. I guess I need to make the time to sit down and talk to you guys. To be honest, life has been confusing and exciting. It is hard to see past the confusion, but I have to keep the faith. I feel like I’ve just been restless with what I anticipate doing for the rest of my life. It’s a big decision to make, and yes I do understand that I don’t need to have all of the answers now.

I guess I just fear a life where I have a meaningless career that makes me miserable. I love working, I just can’t stand working for something that makes me bored, or something where I have no purpose in. I feel like careers are glamorized all throughout your schooling, and what they don’t tell you is that not a lot of people have it all figured out. Everyone just says I should take something and run with it, and yes I did feel like I was successful when I landed a full time job out of college. I completely fumbled that, it feels like. I have to work part-time jobs now that I am figuring it all out.

And yes, I am going on tour and honestly that is something I am so blessed I can say. I am excited to meet all of the people who make music a reality. I have so much drive to further this brand and release more quality music. I guess what has been eating me is finding the path to innovate all of this. I never really thought I’d get this far, but when I think back about what I always wanted to do since middle school – it has been music. There really hasn’t been anything else, and I try to avoid music being my only goal but this is what I want to do. It just seems discouraging on the financial side, and I feel insecure. I ask a lot of people – “Do you think there is money in this?” and what they say is “Yes, there is money floating all around you”. It is just a matter of trying to collect it.

Then it seems that this industry actively works against musicians, and I see a lot of musicians who are working hard at their goal… then I wonder if they are truly working towards their goal or if they are just showing us things publicly in pursuit of the lifestyle. There are so many dark turns within this industry, and what a lot of people have said is that temptation lies on every corner. To me, it doesn’t feel like an industry sometimes, just a pyramid scheme. You see artists being exploited and succumbing to living a fast life and falling out of health.

I feel like I have been trying to perfect my craft, but sometimes it works against me because I don’t want to use Tik Tok, or AI or the newest tech. I just want to stick to what I have been taught, and I wonder if there are ways to innovate other than constantly releasing new music. Then I get discouraged when people say they want to work with me, but are unable to come through when I pay them. I guess that is just working with freelancers.

All of these things have been my main focus ever since I stopped working a full-time job. And yes, it has only been a month, and perhaps I am just in a completely different pocket of the working world skills wise, but I know I am smart, capable and driven… I don’t want to feel like my talents are going to waste. I don’t have a lot of people in my circle who know the music business. I don’t have too many connections outside of entry level. I feel like I am just winging this DIY like I always have – with the help of God and my friends. I know there is a path for me. Of course, I wonder whether the path is in music. I feel like I am missing out sometimes – but a lot of people tell me about their FOMO so maybe it’s the thought of unknowing which is so disturbing.

Anyway, looking on the bright side, there is really a lot going for me right now. I am going on tour, living in Chicago, and I am meeting people who inspire me everyday. My friends keep up with me, and I am able to visit my family in Detroit a lot. There is always money to be made, but I am taking a leap of faith in what I have decided to do currently with my life. I am also trying desperately to stay busy. I keep wondering if music is truly the right path, but when I meet someone who connects to the art I create, I know it is all worth it.

After coffee blog :

I am so lit right now. SO LIT. Being a creative as a personality imitates the cycle of how our art is created. We grind hard at something, put passion behind it, endure sleepless nights creating our art, just to say that it is terrible and get self conscious if the art is not received…I guess you can call that burnout? We have our good days when we are on top of the world, and we have our terrible days when we feel like we are nothing. It is enduring extremes… That could be the personality type. Maybe that is a common type for people who do create, or maybe those who do create identify solely with what they are creating – making it difficult to keep unfulfilling jobs despite having to pay bills.

Sometimes, I need to rack my brain around what I am doing and try to put meaning behind it. For example, if I work a retail job like Spirit Halloween – I will desperately be like “I am single handily contributing to the success of this person’s Halloween costume which will determine how they will remember this holiday for years to come”. If I get too in my head talking about “Why am I working a minimum wage retail job? I have a college degree and I am an artist, why am I wasting my time in this strip mall?” It will change the narrative of my life for that day.

I think I am just an overthinker. This is how I am able to grind out content, but also I overthink on whether the content is even good or if I am even marketing it efficiently… Then I think “My career is in the hands of giant major tech companies and billionaires”. and I succumb to feeling that I am just an ant trying to work my way up a hill, never being able to perceive the giant humans surrounding and threatening to crush me.

Just going to go out into the world and try to make the most out of it. Not to be deep or anything, but life is so temporary I often wonder what the point of trying to accumulate things is. I would rather leave my mark on this planet by doing good things, I don’t know what or I don’t know how. Just gonna do it.

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