It’s a crazy dark thing to say that the ai spam bots from Russia are not bothering me anymore.
In the past month, I have been working an incredibly physically demanding job. It’s only 80 hours biweekly. Because I clock out for an hour everyday.. So I wonder how much I am actually working. I don’t know.
Life is still enjoyable to me, but I am trying to conserve my energy. I am trying to consume innovative content or whatever that means, tbh who cares.
I don’t want to consume any content.
I want to be happy with myself, I think I am but I am not done. I havn’t had time to sit down and reflect.
I have 10 more minutes of sitting here in this resturaunt on my lunch break to decide if I am happy or not.
I want the people I care about to be happy for me. I deeply just want to impress people and I am not saying this performative.
I think I had something really special back in 2021 when I was following the scenecore trend. I actually ended up emotionally burning out because I kept overthinking my art and the significance of writing about dark shit.
Now I want to write about more dark shit, I don’t know.
Life goes through seasons.
Sometimes I know what I’m doing sometimes I dont sometimes there’s an intention and sometimes there’s nothing. Just trying to climb higher and higher until I can buy a bunker in the middle of nowhere.
Honestly what I want in life is a bunker with a bunch of computers in it.
I also want a room that is all glass with a piano. I want physical buildings and property so I can walk around them freely and chose who I invite into them.
That’s why I am doing music, so when you ask if I am doing it for the money I will answer “fuck yeah, at this point of my life, of course.” But this doesn’t mean that I don’t respect artistic integrity and innovation. Of course I do, sometimes I get stuck and sometimes I am too conceded to ask for help from other producers. But I am a person who can be accountable for myself most of the time.
So am I going to say “producers,hit me up” on instagram? No because I will be hitting them up most likely. I need advice, direction and a goal. I can’t keep making repetitive shit, believe me it is an insecurity. I am a perfectionist unfortunately but maybe it’s time that I stop doing that.
There is actually no such thing as perfect because that is completely objective.
Thank you guys if anyones reading this. Why do I still blog? I honestly like looking back at my development.
Truly
