*Edit* – had a private this one because it was so intense and emotional… But I decided to unprivate it. Disregard it, but ill keep it up.
I don’t know, I guess I’m nervous to blog sometimes? Not that anyone really reads this except for a few very important people lol.
Anyway, I guess I am nervous to blog because everytime I smoke weed, I get all nervous about what I put out online into the world but what’s the point lollll.
Am I jaded? Yes, definitely and I can admit that. I don’t want to be negative or insecure. I just really really really really need to blog sometimes or journal, but I don’t.
People always tell me not to stop music, and I don’t intent on doing so, it’s just really hard starting out. Is it hard or am I just depressed? I think I am just unmotivated and depressed even though I don’t work as many hours as I used to. I just graduated college a year ago thinking I’d have my life together, but I am at the same retail company that I been working at since I was 19 and that scares me.
I don’t care who sees this, I never do. Like what, I am supposed to go on through the rest of my life in fear? No, I am actively voicing my opinion on here whether you like it or not. I am actively sabotaging my career prospects whether I like it or not.
I don’t care, I will always stand by that.
People are friendly when you talk to them like a real person. Sometimes I forget that, I am constantly surrounded by people but I am praying that I can get rid of my compassion fatigue.
It’s crazy when you look someone in the eye and you can see that they havn’t figured out the nature of the world and havn’t seen some crazy human beings.
Am I miserable? Sometimes. But I do have a lot, and I want to acknowledge that I do appreciate the time it takes for you to consume my art. There’s a lot of talent out there, and I am amongst a pool of young and motivated people.
Am I loosing motivation? When the money runs dry (I currently have 3 savings accounts with only $1 in each of them), I often loose my drive because I have to contemplate how broke I am and how broke my family is and how I wish I could contribute more.
I don’t know, there’s more to life than money but I want to survive and so far, I feel like I have been feeding off of people in my every day life. I don’t ask for much, I wish I could give more than I can. Sometimes I give too much and that is why I have become fatigued. So I have to take steps back from hustling music because it is soul crushing when you have to go on social media and you see other people working hard. Where do they get their energy from? How have people not abandon their vision?
But honestly, good for you if you work hard. You deserve what ever benefits that you reap from it.
It’s summer time but it feels like winter. I been walking the same lakeshore trail that I been walking for 3-4 years. This year, it all looks the same to me. Everyone wears the same shirt, same shoes, gets up at the same time. I can’t really express why this bothers me but it does.
What do I want out of all of this? I do not know. I know God put me here on this Earth to do something, I have to keep coming to him asking for stregnth but sometimes it’s hard to admit that I blatantly need help.
Sometimes I wanna tough it out all alone because my mind moves too fast for the collective hum of the earth.
Now I am going to go out of my comfort zone and I will go meet up with some friends and talk about art like I have always been.
This rant was brought to you by,, the usual suspect…
