Hey guys!
I feel like I keep falling in love with life over and over again. As I sit and eat my boujie fish dinner my loving mother cooked for me, I count my blessings. I am thankful to all of the people who have given me the time of day even if I did not deserve it. I recognize that it must have been extremely difficult for them to be able to show me love through all the times I’ve been avoidant to them. I guess that’s the process of learning, I am so glad I see the love in front of me. I guess that’s the biggest lesson for me this week; persevere through actions of love, just as those who have shaped me have. God has given me everything I’ve ever wanted. I want to give back and spread love.
My mom and I recently took a trip to New York together. Something about me, I’ve always been a free spirit, just like my mother. That’s why we travel so well together. She loved Bushwick like I knew she would. We’re from Detroit originally, there’s this neighborhood that looks just like Bushwick called Eastern Market. Back when I lived in Detroit, we would go to the Eastern Market and go shopping at the farmer’s market. I do get really nostalgic thinking about Detroit. Today I was reflecting about my time working in Detroit. I miss the long car rides home where I listened to my uncle’s CD collection, specifically this one CD I had on loop was called “the Art of Being a Girl” by Julee Cruise. I used to listen to her looming voice on the dimly lit Detroit highways. I wish I was a photographer so I could capture the visuals of those exact moments. I inherited my uncle’s camera when he passed. He was a photographer. I really wish I had more time with him.
God is my invisible sun who gives heat to me. I used to denounce spirituality, but it’s been my guiding force of love. I think it’s powerful how us musicians have the loudest platform, but it is so dangerous. Demons have the ability to infiltrate the hearts and minds of those who are most giving. I believe people who create and share art are one of the most giving types of people. It takes vulnerability to put your art into the world, which is essentially you at the rawest form. Why do you think commercials with music are so effective? It speaks to the heart because it’s from the heart. It’s a shame when that art becomes infiltrated by demons and has the ability to do more and more harm to the world. I see the world struggling as these demons run free and rancid. Of course, it’s always fun to dance with dark forces, but is it really that fun when you let them in and they run you in circles and you ask yourself, “Why am I here again?”. Every human being holds the ability to love, no matter how far gone they may be. I truly believe that. Of course, from time to time I regret not acting with love throughout my life, I am so thankful that I can see clearly now. For that reason, I forgive myself. Through love, we can chase away the demons that present themselves in our loved one’s hearts.
I really should be doing a million other things other than writing a blog, but I feel like this is so important to know. I play the persona of a serial killer; I still ask myself why sometimes because it’s not the person I truly am. I could never kill another human being, and I would never want to. Here’s my thoughts on this now: I think it’s important to play this persona because I want to speak to the people who have grown up like me… the people who have allowed hate to enter their hearts through the pain that others inflict on them. The people who now live with demons and struggle to chase them away, who struggle to keep their lives, who struggle to act with compassion. The people who don’t understand why them, the people who struggle with anxiety and depression. We look for darkness once it enters us. I want to be a guiding force of light, even though that sounds ridiculous coming from Proxoxie. Something about me that not a lot of people find out is that I like to have a double life in multiple aspects. I am not the person you’d expect me to be, and I love to surprise people with that (only good surprises of course). I pride myself in the ability of being able to reach into the metaphorical pits of hell to pull out these lyrics and reclaim them by giving them a secondary meaning. I’m thankful for the strength that God’s given me, and that I’ve earned. Always question yourself, ask yourself if you’re the best person you have the ability to be, and I promise you, you will get everything you can ever ask for. It is going to be difficult to question yourself every day, even in situations where you KNOW you’re right, those are the most dangerous situations, because you have never asked God if you were right. You never considered for a moment that maybe you were wrong. You got your way, so you’re right… now reality will contort with all false perceptions, and you will live your life knowing that you’re right and no other truth will be able to present itself to you. This is what has happened to me in the past. Once again, I’m thankful I have learned enough to be able to teach this lesson. There’s a reason why they call it pride. If there’s one thing you can take away from everything I have ever done: There’s duality in everything.
Sometimes, my soul so desperately craves a song that can tell me exactly how I feel. My ears are attracted to the melodies that cry the same tears and the voices that scream as loud as me. The song that speaks to me is once again “Durch den Monsun” by Tokio Hotel. Not the English version, both versions have their own energy. I want to share with you the (English) lyrics. I hope this speaks to you;
“I’m staring at a broken door
There’s nothing left here anymore
My room is cold, its making me insane
I’ve been waiting here so long
Another moments seem to have come
I see those dark clouds coming up again
Running through the monsoon
Beyond the world
Til’ the end of time
Where the rain won’t hurt
Fighting the storm
Into the blue
And when I lose myself, I’ll think of you
Together we’ll be running somewhere new
A halfmoon fading from my sight
I see your vision in its light
But now it’s gone and left me so alone
I know I have to find you now
Can hear you name and don’t know how
Why can’t we make this darkness feel like home?”
Black Veil Brides is my favorite band for several reasons, it was the first band that made me “emo” growing up. Their message has always been to take your hate and use a pen to write it all out. Y’all ever listen to Black Veil Brides? If you’ve listened to them, you’d know why I’ve changed so much after first hearing about them. I never understood the lyrics to “Knives and Pens” until now:
“Alone at last, we can sit and fight
And I’ve lost all faith in this blurring light
But stay right here we can change our plight
We’re storming through this despite what’s right
One final fight, for this tonight
Whoa-oh-oh
With knives and pens we made our plight
Lay your heart down the ends in sight
Conscience begs for you to do what’s right
Everyday it’s still the same dull knife
Stab it through and justify your pride
One final fight, for this tonight
Whoa-oh-oh
With knives and pens we made our plight
Whoa-oh-oh
And I can’t go on without your love
You lost, you never held on
We tried our best, turn out the light
Turn out the light
One final fight, for this tonight
Whoa-oh-oh
With knives and pens we made our plight
Whoa-oh-oh
And I can’t go on without your love
You lost, you never held on
We tried our best, turn out the light
Turn out the light”
Another gorgeously written Black Veil Brides song is “Beautiful Remains” where it talks about the process of death and mourning in a optimistic light… Read this:
“This love will set you free
From thoughts of yesterday
Now death has come to claim
Your beautiful remains”
This has been a heavy blog, I hope that it gives you inspiration. See ya next week 😉
