I think I might be losing my confidence. Or it is just that time of the month…. if u know what I mean.
You know what, I think it’s also the routine. I have been working retail full time. Music doesn’t pay the bills yet. Sometimes I wonder how in control I am with my career.
I think confidence can help lead to control, but ultimately the decisions are already decided.
Sometimes I like to wonder how God makes things happen. I like to think that God uses connections. I don’t even want to put pronouns on God, I don’t know if God would want pronouns.
Connections meaning neural connections, like brains. These brain pathways lead to much more bigger connections like people. And people like to conglomerate in organizations, people like to wear funny outfits to differentiate themselves from others, to create assumptions that they belong to something bigger than themselves.
And of course, I can try to be the humble, moral person and say that I don’t do these things but that would be wrong. I have tattoos. I don’t even know if I like the tattoos. I just wanted them, I guess to fit in? Idk.
Honestly, this sounds crazy, but things would be easier for people if we all wore skin colored body suits, like we were naked or something.
I don’t think a place like Chicago was meant to be inhabited. Things get so cold in this city. The weather is changing now, and I have been working retail every day of my life, essentially.
The only thing that is different is the shows. I have been doing a lot of shows. There is no better feeling than doing shows, it’s the adrenaline. It’s addicting. It’s like I rack up all of these hours in retail to take a vacation day to do a show.
I have battled the predicament of everyone’s expectations. Everyone has their own priorities, and I have to be confident when I establish mine. Some dominant personalities love to project their priorities onto me, I am very impressionable at times. Maybe I allow myself to be, I am self-aware. It’s just that I tend to sway myself in all sorts of directions depending on the circumstances.
I feel like a camouflage lizard. I can’t spell the name of it.
People tell me to stop posting pictures of my lizard so often. What a shame.
I am on my lunch break currently. I feel like I am allowing myself to compromise control of my life at times. I can’t be fully ON everyday.
I stayed up till the hour set back for daylight savings. I was playing my boring medieval game.
I am now in a public place, and this lady sat down next to me to eat her soup. I wonder why she chose to sit right next to me. I am the type of person that goes to a public place, expecting to be LEFT ALONE. Isn’t that crazy? It’s like wearing a clown outfit to the airport and wondering why everyone is rudely staring at you.
Same energy. I just want enough money to be left alone. When I start really dying, I hope that I wont be in some fancy hospital, or even a lousy one. I just want to be left to my own devices. I want a permanent home that I own. I don’t want anyone to displace me in my life. Renting is whatever, moving place to place is my entire life. It always has been.
I just want one home. And I wonder if I will ever be able to do that… surely I will find a way.
I am honestly sort of tired of everyone. I don’t know, I think I am people fatigued. Not to be rude, it’s just I simply want to be left alone for an hour or two. Or, if it’s just me and my partner alone in nature or something. I don’t know.
You can eat your soup anywhere, why do you have to eat it right next to me? Am I expecting too much when I go to a public place and start typing a blog, this isn’t my house. I guess people go to public places to be around other people. I wish there was a place I could go with absolutely no one around.
Maybe God doesn’t like that, because if you make your life ENTIRELY interdependent on your own devices, no other connections, no other people, just total loneliness…. It makes things harder for God to connect together. You can’t be alone forever, just can’t be by yourself for extended periods of time… like decades. I feel like people go insane if they are left alone for too long… no opportunities for God to inspire… Other than the connections in the brain.
What if those connections go sour? If you’re in solitary confinement. Idk.
All I know is my retail life at the moment. Paying off debt. Stupid debt.
I want to talk about my shows and accomplishments. Perhaps I will blog about it in the next one. For now, this is what has been my everyday.
Thank you for paying attention, I don’t know why I write these blogs but it sure is fun.
